Poison

They're just a distraction. I still miss Harry. More than ought

I've got a date next week

with a lovely man

he's a proper grown up

with a proper job

who's lovely

and so very nice and kind

and very good looking

and who would treat me like a princess...

so why do I want the little shit

who wouldn't care if he never saw me again

and who as never given me anything except chlamydia, a burnt jacket potato, and a bit of weed!

Better get some sleep, big day tomorrow/today, one of my best friends wedding.

I tried my dress on today, and nearly had heart faliure when it wouldn't fasten up straight away, its a bit tight but you can't really tell! damn weight gain! on a diet as from monday, I will be 8 stone in 2 weeks! I can't decide, curly or straight hair?! decisions!

So... Saw Dan last night, stormed out on him this morning when he refused to have sex with me (was the right thing to do, we both need to get the all clear from GU med this week, and we didn't have any condoms left... but still at the time I was pissed off!!! how dare he turn me down for sex!!!... I know, Iknow, I acted like a child!) We're seeing each other properly again now... I know... I know... I'm a fool!!! but... I can't help it, I've come to the conclusion I like living in angst... It keeps me slim!

Wonder if Postsecrets will be up yet?!

Night y'all

I sometimes wish life was a pencil drawing.

Unfortunately im drawing with a big black marker pen.

My Mum always did say my head was in the clouds, and thats probably my problem, I want to be that princess I dreamt of as a child, I want to live in one of those fairy worlds I imagined, where the sun was always shining, and everyone lived in amanita muscaria mushrooms... I think I wanna be smurfette... but with brown hair!

Real life is shit!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 5.30 gah... the alarm wasn’t set till 6.30... I hate it when that happens!
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Mama mia with my little sis, its a great film
4. What is your favourite TV show? Desperate housewives
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Coffee
6. What is your middle name? green
7. What food do you dislike? Raw tomatoes
8. What is your favourite CD at moment? An old Pixies one I’ve re-found
9. What kind of car do you drive? 53 plate crappy Punto
10.Favourite sandwich? Egg and Mushroom
11.What characteristic do you despise? Pretentiousness, ignorance, selfishness
12.Favourite item of clothing? My big black urban outfitters jumper
13.If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? An unspoilt Greek island
14.Favourite brand of clothing? Not right bothered
15.Where would you retire to? Go to an unspoilt Greek island
16.What was your most recent memorable birthday? All my birthdays are shit
17. Favourite sport to watch? Gymnastics
18. Furtherest place you are sending this? To the Blogosphere
19. Person you expect to send it back first? I don’t expect ought!
20. When is your birthday? In the summer
21. you a morning person or a night person? Depends
22. What is your shoe size? 6
23. Pets? A full grown puppy
24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? No!!!
25. What did you want to be when you were little? A doctor, a vet, an actress, an art teacher, a mother, an explorer, an astronaut, a fashion designer... you name it I’ve wanted to be it!!!! Still don’t know now!!!
26. How are you today? Not bad. I’ve got food in my tummy so I’m feeling a little anxious and uncomfortable
27. What is your favourite sweets? Something sour
28.What is your favourite flower? Lillies
29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? Saturday the 6th September
30. What is your full name? Miss Poison Green Ivy
31. What are you listening to right now? Kings of leon
32. What was the last thing you ate? A slice of pizza
33. Do you wish on stars? Yes
34. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? Black
35. How is the weather right now? Rainy, cold, damp
36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? My Ma
37.Favourite soft drink? Coke zero
38. Favourite restaurant? Cactus Jacks
39. Real hair colour? Dark Brown
40.What was your favourite toy as a child? Dunno!
41. Summer or winter? Summer
42. Hugs or kisses? Depends who’s giving them
43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
44. Coffee or tea? Depends
45. Do you want your friends to Post you back? Yes!!
46. When was the last time you cried? About Tuesday I think!
47.What is under your bed? Draws full of bed clothes and undies
48. What did you do last night? Not a great deal!
49.What are you afraid of? Being fatter
50.Salty or sweet? Depends, as a rule... salty
51. How many keys on your key ring? Two and a Tesco’s club card
52.How many years at your current job? Half a one!
53. Favourite day of the week? One that doesn’t involve work!
54. How many towns have you lived in? One!
55.Do you make friends easily? Yeah
56. How many people will you send this to? No one directly
57. How many will respond? Je ne sais pas

happiness - I wonder if thats what every human being strives for, a desire to be happy and content. so I guess what I'm wondering is if thats the basis of the human nature?. I know thats what I want, but maybe I'm being to narrow minded, and thinking of myself, I don't know!

I've never been able to get my head around what "happiness" means to me. I know I want it, I know when I find it my life will be complete, but how am I supppose to find it if I don't know what I'm looking for?!

I know I've looked for it in all the wrong places, I've looked for it in bones, in a number of mind altering substances, in people, in relationships, in casual sex, in religion, in health and fitness, in materialistic things, in therapy, it doesn't matter where I look, I just can't seem to find what I'm striving for!

I know, you're going to say 'I need to find it in myself' but I can't, its not there either.

The stupid thing is I feel so ungrateful for saying all this, I've got the best thing in the world ever, my precious daughter, and I love her more than anything, but I feel like somethings missing, like there's a part of me not there.

I'm yearning for something to complete me, for something to fill the empty bits, I just wish I knew what it was, it'd make the search so much easier!!!

sometimes I wonder if thats what I am!

I know I can only be treated like one if I allow myself to be...

but the only men I seem to attract are the ones that let me down and fuck me off when they've had what they want.

It seems I'm ok when they've got nothing else to do, or when they want something! I know its mostly my fault, I shouldn't expect anything of anybody... like respect, or like not to be let down by people when we've arranged things!!!

1. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
No never

2. How often do you wank?
depends on how horny I’m feeling! Today – 3 times

3. Where do you wish you were right now?
I don’t know! Clarity would be a good place!

4. Were you in love with the first person you slept with?
No! Can’t remember his name, did it so I’d done it!!!

5. Do you have any guilt inside of you?
Yes

6. Have you ever wished anyone dead, however brief?
Yes, but only murderers nobody I know

7. Assuming you HAD to be, would you rather be a colour, smell or sound?
A smell, my memory is really really crap, smells mean a lot to me, I remember most through smell

8. How and when do you imagine you are going to die?
I hope I get chance to say goodbye, I hope with people around me who I love.

9. Do you think love is forever?
Love for a child – yes
Love for a lover, or friend – No, sadly I don’t!

10. What is your worst fear for your future?
Failing my daughter

11. Do you LOVE anything about yourself? If so, what is it?
my empathy, and how I somehow manage to see the good in everything (its not always a good thing!!! – it sometimes hurts me a lot!)

12. Would you lie if you KNEW you could never get caught?
Depends what about and who to!

13. Could you have sex knowing someone could hear you?
Yes

14. What, if anything, do you do to make people do what you want?
I don’t, people are their own self! I can guide and give my advice, but I honestly would never want somebody to do what I wanted them to. Unless I really wanted them to do something... then I’d just do puppy dog eyes... works every time hehe!!!

15. How many times, if any, have you lied answering these questions?
yes... question 1 !!!

What is life all about!!! Is this it!!! surely there as got to be something more... we can't just be born... do (unimportant things)... then die... there as got to be something else to it!!! This CAN'T be it...

I've been out tonight... I've had fun with the girls (n I'm extremely very drunk!), but I'm confused!!!

Confused by the male species!!!

Men... argh!!!