Poison

Most of the time this blog seems far too sad, a place I don't like to visit unless I'm feeling down.

so I think I'm going to have a happy blog, a place I like to be

I'll let ya know when its ready.

xxx

1st June 2009

9.43
Bankruptcy Order Given

Its not the end of the world

worse things could happen

Everyone I love is here

and I know it ll only effect the materialistic things in my life.

I know I'm lucky, I know my life could be worse

But I can't help feeling sad that I'm going into my 30's with less than I had going into my 20's.

I've just signed up for 3 pay as you go mobile broadband.

£29 for the USB stick

£15 - 3gb

No contract

anyone got it?

probably should of asked this question before I bought it!

x

Lifes been rather up and down in the last couple of years.

My dad died after a very short battle with cancer... watched him die

I re assessed my life.

split up with my husband

left my job

went to college

got a new job

My brother in law/ more like a father than my own died after a very short battle with cancer... watched him die.

went to college again to do something that I've wanted to do for years and years...

so nearly two years on...

was the unheavel of my family worth it?

was the distruction and unhappiness placed upon my little girl worth it?

I sometimes wonder.

I sometimes wonder if I'm just selfish.

But where does selfish come from?

My selfish came from a childhood of constant arguing and fist fighting from my parents

and a promise to myself that I would never stay in an unloving home.

I promised myself I would never put my child trough what I went through.

I just sometimes wonder if what I did is actually any better or if I've just moved the pain and suffering in a different direction.

I'm not professing to being an angle.

I'm not pretending that the problems in my marriage weren't partly caused by me

They were probably mainly caused by me

I thought two years on I might know me a bit better

I'm not sure I do.

I know I'm lucky though, lucky I've got my princess

I've kind of lost all inclination to write on here at the moment (as I'm sure you've all gathered)!

Just thought I'd post a quicky, I'm due in a lecture in 3 mins!

Lifes good. I've come back to college and am now doing access to midwifery, something I've wanted to do for about 10 years. I never ever would have made a good beauty therapist lol!

right I really better go!

I'll report back soon, and catch up with everyone.

Merry Christmas, and a prosperous New year to all my blog chums. xxx

I blinked, and now she's a whole 9 years, 11hours 53 minutes old.

I wonder what the next 9 years, 11hours and 53 minutes will bring!!!!

I was in the car with Princess, and we had one of her party cd's on, 'court of King Caractacus' came on, so I was dancing about doing the routine and singing along (don't ask... and we were stuck in traffic!) when we parked up she looked up at me, straight in the eyes and said "Mum sometimes you're really embarrassing. But please, don't ever change" and she gave me a massive hug.

comes a new hair style...

I'm dying my hair back dark brown!

Its no secret to those in the know, that I've suffered with eating disorders my whole adult life, all of them, most prevalently the bulimia. Last year I went through some quiet intense CBT therapy, during which time my dad died of brain cancer. I didn't finish my therapy. I seemed to find some inner strength, and thought everything that had happened had made me stronger and more able to cope, I decided I was cured and didn't need any further therapy. I decided to make some changes, I knew that part of my problem was that I felt controlled, that I put other peoples feelings before myself, so I left my job of 11 years, and left my husband who I'd been with since I was 18.

Things went well, for the first time ever I felt like I was in control of my life. I started college, started working part time and met H.

I was infatuated with H, for the first time in my life I'd found someone who I thought understood me, we could just sit and talk for hours, about everything. I’m not sure what went wrong, he said he wasn’t ready for anything serious, so we were just friends for a while, but we still used to see each other all the time, I found out from another friend he was seeing this girl, his excuse for not telling me, he wanted me in his life forever. Except “Forever, just a word you say that means never!” so that was basically the end of that.

By now I’d started taking coke with H most weekends, and taking ephedrine occasionally when I trained to help me make the most out of it, but because I’m me, occasional use turned to everyday use, I didn’t realise!!! Might sound silly, but I just didn’t!

I then meet D who becomes a dear friend, then I find out history is repeating itself, my brother in law is diagnosed with cancer, and within three weeks he’s dead, just like my dad the year before. Me and D become closer and start seeing each other. I really wish we hadn’t taken our relationship to that level, I love him as a person I really do, but we should of only ever been friends, neither of us were ready for it (he’d just split up with his girlfriend, and I’d lost a close family member) but still we did, we started spending more and more time together, right from the start it was a volatile relationship, it wasn’t ever going to be anything else I guess, we’re both pretty passionate, messed up people.

I’ll always treasure the time we’ve spent together, I’ve learnt so much about life from him, he’s give me a different perspective on life, he gave me the confidence I needed to explore myself. We spent so much time together he was my best friend. Then I find out he’s seeing his ex girlfriend again, completely out of the blue, and now he’s completely ignoring me, and I don’t know why!

After I found out about D I kind of had a bit of a blow out, Princess as been at her dad for a few days cause he’s been away, and for two days I was completely off my head on ecstasy, cocaine, and alcohol , I was really sick, I’ve learnt though, I haven’t taken any drugs since Friday, I know its not long, but believe me, its the longest I’ve been without for a while. My bulimias been getting gradually worse, it started once a week, now its twice a day, I know I need help, I know tomorrow I’ll start taking ephedrine again cause it eases the bulimia. I need to go to the doctors but I’m ashamed and scared.

So thats where I’m at now, I’m drinking too much, taking drugs, and being ignored by my best friend, who can blame him really its been building up for a while! I just feel lost all over again.

I thought that by making the changes I did to my life when my dad died my life would be better, except its not, its harder, and I’m kind of wondering if its worth it, my hubby still loves me, I’m wondering if I should give relationship counselling a go with him, my life wasn’t bad when we were together, in fact it was good, its just taken all this to see, he loves me, and maybe the problem lies with me.

btw its not like I fall in love with all the men I meet... there have been others! jeez that sounds bad!!!