Dan and I have been getting on great, I love spending time with him, he brings a different dimension to my life, I guess one I've not really had before, he's a communist vegatarian, with the back of his neck pierced, who wears one sock on, and one sock off for bed, and sometimes pretends he's a seal in the bath. I really feel I can be myself with him totally, probably cause he's so odd, lol! He's a smart guy who really makes me giggle.

Then there's the other side, the times when we're supposed to do something and he cancels on me at the last minute, or when out of no where he ignores me for a few days, then i just get the he's "been busy" explanation, or an "I'm sorry" n thats it. I really don't get it, but I know when he's like that I feel totally insecure with myself, I let him make me feel like that, so I've ended it. I do think he's a fantastic guy, he just needs to grow up a bit.

happiness - I wonder if thats what every human being strives for, a desire to be happy and content. so I guess what I'm wondering is if thats the basis of the human nature?. I know thats what I want, but maybe I'm being to narrow minded, and thinking of myself, I don't know!

I've never been able to get my head around what "happiness" means to me. I know I want it, I know when I find it my life will be complete, but how am I supppose to find it if I don't know what I'm looking for?!

I know I've looked for it in all the wrong places, I've looked for it in bones, in a number of mind altering substances, in people, in relationships, in casual sex, in religion, in health and fitness, in materialistic things, in therapy, it doesn't matter where I look, I just can't seem to find what I'm striving for!

I know, you're going to say 'I need to find it in myself' but I can't, its not there either.

The stupid thing is I feel so ungrateful for saying all this, I've got the best thing in the world ever, my precious daughter, and I love her more than anything, but I feel like somethings missing, like there's a part of me not there.

I'm yearning for something to complete me, for something to fill the empty bits, I just wish I knew what it was, it'd make the search so much easier!!!

sometimes I wonder if thats what I am!

I know I can only be treated like one if I allow myself to be...

but the only men I seem to attract are the ones that let me down and fuck me off when they've had what they want.

It seems I'm ok when they've got nothing else to do, or when they want something! I know its mostly my fault, I shouldn't expect anything of anybody... like respect, or like not to be let down by people when we've arranged things!!!

1. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
No never

2. How often do you wank?
depends on how horny I’m feeling! Today – 3 times

3. Where do you wish you were right now?
I don’t know! Clarity would be a good place!

4. Were you in love with the first person you slept with?
No! Can’t remember his name, did it so I’d done it!!!

5. Do you have any guilt inside of you?
Yes

6. Have you ever wished anyone dead, however brief?
Yes, but only murderers nobody I know

7. Assuming you HAD to be, would you rather be a colour, smell or sound?
A smell, my memory is really really crap, smells mean a lot to me, I remember most through smell

8. How and when do you imagine you are going to die?
I hope I get chance to say goodbye, I hope with people around me who I love.

9. Do you think love is forever?
Love for a child – yes
Love for a lover, or friend – No, sadly I don’t!

10. What is your worst fear for your future?
Failing my daughter

11. Do you LOVE anything about yourself? If so, what is it?
my empathy, and how I somehow manage to see the good in everything (its not always a good thing!!! – it sometimes hurts me a lot!)

12. Would you lie if you KNEW you could never get caught?
Depends what about and who to!

13. Could you have sex knowing someone could hear you?
Yes

14. What, if anything, do you do to make people do what you want?
I don’t, people are their own self! I can guide and give my advice, but I honestly would never want somebody to do what I wanted them to. Unless I really wanted them to do something... then I’d just do puppy dog eyes... works every time hehe!!!

15. How many times, if any, have you lied answering these questions?
yes... question 1 !!!

Why haven't I ever noticed that before... maybe I just wasn't looking (there's some kind of profound statement there somewhere!)

Saturday (what should have happened)

I went on my first official date with Dan

Ok we've been shagging for a few week now, but we decided we were going to go on a date on Saturday, we were gunna go to the fair in the afternoon, go for some food, then meet some mutual friends, including shay steal (its like his proper name, he's not a super hero or ought!) for drinks, dance the night away, then go home and make love all night long

except...

Saturday (what actually happened – from what I can piece together)

I went on my first official date with Dan

Ok we've been shagging for a few week now, but we decided we were going to go on a date on Saturday. I met him at 4, we went back to his, drank beer and tequila, smoked some pot, passed out for a bit, woke up, still spaced out, had a three course meal comprising of:

1st course - coleslaw, and potato salad

2nd course - burnt baked potato and beans

3rd course - nutella and peanut butter on a spoon!!!

Had more beer and weed, passed out again,

Woke up at 4am, on the floor, on the living room, with no Dan, he’d gone to bed!!!!

I woke him up, we watched 300, I drank some more beer, he smoked some more pot, we went back to bed at about 7, woke up again about 10, went shopping for food, had breakfast, and chilled for a few hours!!! I had a good time... I think!

We didn’t have sex though... and I’m a bit concerned about that!

What is life all about!!! Is this it!!! surely there as got to be something more... we can't just be born... do (unimportant things)... then die... there as got to be something else to it!!! This CAN'T be it...

I've been out tonight... I've had fun with the girls (n I'm extremely very drunk!), but I'm confused!!!

Confused by the male species!!!

Men... argh!!!

Don't sleep with freespirited "friendly" Young men, with out protection!!! or least make sure they're up to date with the GU checks!!!

Like a breath of fresh air from those free spirited wings of his!

He's completely unlike any man I've ever been interested in before, we met at work, and from the moment he spoke to me n made me all stuttery and nervous.

he will be one hell of a man, he’s very bright with a degree in psychology, he’s caring, has common sense, is as funny as, is quirky, spontaneous, bloody gorgeous, and a potential toy boy!!! (Being a whole two years younger than me!)

For now though, he's living his life, getting stoned and what not, finding the meaning of life, and working to save for such things as travelling and festivals, and why shouldn’t he, he’s young with no responsibilities.

He makes me feel alive, he reminds me of me ten years ago. I’ve not know him very long, and I could quite happily just be his friend, I love spending time with him, staying awake for hours just talking rubbish. Just being! Just being myself.

So... the ex I was/am so madly in love with, but whom dumped me for a chav, still sometimes texts me.

Last week we were texting and he told me things were going ok with him and his new chavy girlfriend, but that he still had issues with trust. He then proceeded to tell me that he didn’t trust anybody but me! I just don’t get men!!!

He text me again tonight, a blank text, completely by accident cause he had his phone in his pocket in the gym!!! of course!!!

I still feel for him... but I'd never, ever go there again, he's hurt me far too much, the lyrics "last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away" are how I feel... Yes, I'm old... and sad!

Not that he’d want me to go there again, he’s seems happy enough with his blonde, twenty five year old, chavy nurse.

Just wish he'd leave me alone. Yeah! You’re right... I don't really!

I've come to the conclusion I like living in angst! I'm a size 8 now!